Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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