Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
