I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
