Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
