So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
