I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
