I think I won the penis lottery.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you never un-have a 4some
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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