my soul wont recognize me after tonight
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
