maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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