I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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