Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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