I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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