he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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