If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
