You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
