mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
