I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
