Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
