Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
