I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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