I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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