Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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