You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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