walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
