On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
