watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
