I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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