oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I did not marry a roomba.
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