I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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