my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
