Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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