when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i out mim tonsoeep
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
