If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
