i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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