Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
