Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
