you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
