Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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