i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
