And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
