absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
