The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
