if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
