I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just high enough for therapy.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
