it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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