Jerry, you need to find god
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
