if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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