OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
