dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
