dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
