My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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