He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
